Thursday, February 18, 2010

I Surrender

I hadn't anticipated feeling so awful.  I thought I was so driven that nothing could get in my way.  But then love did and the prospect of losing T was just too painful.  I try to live my life to avoid regrets and, while I will regret not going back to school soon and not being near my family for the time being, I think I would regret leaving T more.  Of course, I keep second guessing myself and wondering if the decision, which I made under duress, to put my needs on the back-burner, was a quick fix to make the hurting stop.  Sure, it did the trick,  but has it created a false sense of security?  Will resentment and regret come seeping in?  And, if so, how long can I last in this charade?

To lead a fulfilling life, Freud said all we need is love and work.  Someone later added "play" to the equation, creating an image of a three-legged stool, which is perfectly balanced when all three components are present and strong.  Though my job may not be perfect, all three legs of the stool in my life are there, propping me up. 

Be glad of life because it gives you a chance to love, and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.
  ~Henry Vandyke


Andy Quirks said...

Oh honey, how can I cheer you up? I just read your previous post. I'd like to say I'm sure you'll be just fine, but I think what you need right now is a little time to feel the hurt and loss. You need time to be sad about your loss. Once you have, only then can you accept it and move on. I dunno if you made the right decision since I dont know anything about your life there, but I think what you need is time for yourself to think things over. dont try to get it out of your head, cos it'll only get worse. dont resist it, go brood and mull it over for some time.

much love,

Bangkok J said...

Thanks, A, for your kind and helpful words. You're right. I do need time to process. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and T is being sweet, as well. I know it will all pass--hopefully, as soon as this PMS does!

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