I am feeling so cranky today. I have been happy going along, living in the present, which is a feat for me. But, last night, T brought up a couple of things that have been on his mind and I was suddenly catapulted back into my old ways of life-impairing forward thinking. He wants to discuss his smoking (I despise the smell of cigarettes and the idea that someone would willfully shorten their life) in relation to our upcoming post-New Years trip to the beach with T's visiting childhood friend and his wife.
That issue is less nerve-wracking than the weightier one T brought up at the same time: my plans for med school and what that means for "us". I feel like, eventually, I will have to decide whether to choose to pursue a fulfilling career or opt for love (and the possibility of a dead-end professional life). It just doesn't seem fair. If T told me he wanted to go to school far far away to further his career, I would be thrilled and supportive and go along with the whole adventure. That, to me, is true love and true commitment. But maybe I am being a bit too hard-nosed about this. Pursuing my dreams would mean a strain on our relationship since med school and residency would be powerful black holes that would eat up eight, long, fertile years of my life. Plus, T would have to start over somewhere new. I happen to think such a push would be good for him, since, if he stays here in Bangkok, he will live a status quo life, falling into routine and ultimately not feeling great about his career/life. A move would require he address the career/work self-evaluation that he is so adept at avoiding.
It all seems to boil down to who is going to either throw in the towel or end up compromising much more. And, here, I thought things were going so well...
La Victoire by Rene Magritte
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