I have been absent here for a week somewhat intentionally. In an ordinary day, I feel I am hit by waves of negativity numerous times. Why are there so many brash, hostile, bitter, and just plain mean people out there? I have yet to learn how to brace myself and prevent the bad vibes from penetrating me to the core. It's exhausting. In an attempt to learn, I am staring to read some books on meditation and, at Meg's suggestion, I have picked up a couple of Eckhart Tolle's books. He's received so much press; I'm curious what all the hype's about (and am hoping his words will guide me to a place of clarity and peace).
In the past, I have had long periods of laid-backness and intrinsic happiness. Recently, in my life of imbalance, I have been recalling those times and trying to determine the pieces of the puzzle that made it possible. Three things stand out as influential factors:
*lack of responsibility and ability to live a carefree life (I was traveling or doing work that was mindless and simply a means to pay rent, not a career path)
*surrounding myself with kind people who didn't stress, laughed a lot, and were seemingly on their way to enlightenment or just content living a simple life
*having easy access to nature and living in the mountains
*living far away from my parents and being less in touch with them
This last point deserves some explanation. I love my parents dearly and often consider them two of my best friends. I think they did an amazing job in parenting me and making me who I am. That said, I know I rely far too much on their opinions and allow them to subtly (and subconsciously) impact my choices in a way that makes me wonder whose life I am living. Even as an adult, I feel an extreme internalized force pushing me to choose what they think is best for me and questioning my role at work, what I do extra-curricularly, and with whom I spend my time. And when I can't or don't live up to the high standards that have been set, I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and disappointed.
How can you be a grown-up when you're still your parents' child?
It's not clear how much of the pressure is coming from them and how much is actually perceived by me, but I do believe that from the time we are quite young, we are conditioned through role modeling and explicit or implicit messages to live a certain way. I take life so seriously, feel so much pressure to achieve and succeed, and am so controlling that when something doesn't go as planned, I get bent out of shape and feel as if my head or chest will explode. I am too tightly wound and need to remember how to relax and enjoy life. I need to rediscover how to let go, chill out, and release the negativity and the anxiety.
I am hoping that through reading, thinking/introspecting, meditating, and visiting mountains, I will remember to breath and live with kindness for myself and others. I will return to the self I recognize and aspire to be.
